The Big Bang Theory: The Oops Differential
by jfrankliniv
Summary: Howard and Raj want to enter a science competition, but Penny has other ideas after detecting their little "experiment." On top of that, Barry Kripke suddenly seems too interested in burying the hatchet - or does he? And how do the guys wind up in a biker bar? Only one way to find out - start with a prologue and go from there...
1. Chapter 1

_The Oops Differential Prologue J. Franklin  
_

**THE OOPS DIFFERENTIAL**

**PROLOGUE**

_(SCENE: The boys' apartment. HOWARD is seated at his laptop. RAJ is looking over his shoulder. SHELDON is in the kitchen. LEONARD enters)_

LEONARD: Hey, guys.

SHELDON: Hi, Leonard.

(_RAJ and HOWARD do not respond.)_

LEONARD: What, you guys are too good to say hi to me now?

HOWARD: (Not looking up) Can't right now. I'm trying to focus on flying a miniaturized observational platform above the city.

LEONARD: You're trying to do _what?_

HOWARD: (Still focused on computer) Miniaturized observational platform. Ever since the government cut the research budget, my boss has told me I have to switch gears to make my research more "taxpayer friendly."

RAJ: Because outer space toilets don't quite resonate with people the way spy cameras do.

LEONARD: You're making spy cameras?

HOWARD: (Grinning) Actually, even better than that! Take a look! (_Points to screen_) Raj and I have created a miniaturized camera and mounted it inside a life-like replica of a dragonfly. And the best part is it's flown from the university control room, but we can pilot it remotely over the Internet from here!

LEONARD: (Looks over his shoulder) Wow. That is impressive.

RAJ: You should have seen the look on people's faces when he began piloting it from Starbucks!

LEONARD: (Squints) Hey, isn't that our building right now?

HOWARD: (Quietly) Yep.

LEONARD: And…isn't that…Penny…sunbathing on the rooftop?

HOWARD: Yep.

LEONARD: (Adjusting glasses) And…isn't she…topless?

HOWARD: (Nods. Takes deep breath) Yep. Houston, we have launch!

LEONARD: (Aghast but not taking his eyes off the screen) Don't you guys think this is a little creepy?

RAJ: You're watching along with us.

LEONARD: Yeah, but she's my girlfriend! (Forces himself to turn away) This is too much like, I don't know, stalking!

RAJ: (Defensive) No, it's not! It's only stalking when you're caught! (Quiet voice) Trust me, I know.

HOWARD: And besides, what's the harm? She doesn't know!

LEONARD: (Turns back to him) Really? No harm? What do you think Bernadette would say if she saw what you were doing?

HOWARD: On the contrary, she told me before she went out of town that I could have as many two-dimensional women as I wanted!

RAJ: (Becomes concerned looking at laptop) Howard?

HOWARD: (Ignoring him) Besides, this is just a scientific test of the dragonfly cam! It's all for legitimate scientific research! The fact that Penny just happens to be sunbathing when we fly by is just a happy coincidence.

LEONARD: (Skeptical) Really? How long have you had it hovering over the building?

HOWARD: I don't know. Five, ten minutes? (Shrugs) But still, it's no big deal!

RAJ: (Worried) Uh, Howard?

HOWARD: Even if Penny saw it, it's just a dragonfly. And if she were to figure it out, there's no way she could connect it to us!

RAJ: (Urgent) Howard!

HOWARD (Irritated) What?

RAJ: I think your two-dimensional woman is about to breathe some three-dimensional dragon fire!

HOWARD: (Looks down at laptop) What? (Freezes) Uh-oh.

LEONARD: What?

HOWARD: (Sitting down immediately) Houston, it looks as though our spy cam has been "made."

LEONARD: (Rushing back) You mean you've been spotted?

HOWARD: Yep! (Begins typing frantically) Time to return to base and discontinue flight experiment! (_Turns to RAJ) _Okay, go to the landing zone and wait for the dragonfly to land. I'll meet you outside by my scooter!

RAJ: Where's the landing zone?

HOWARD: (Shrugs) Up on the roof.

RAJ: The roof? How am I supposed to avoid Penny coming down the stairs?

HOWARD: I don't know! (Exasperated) I can't think of everything! Just go out in the hall and wait at the bottom of the next landing until she goes into her apartment. Then you can go up on the roof and collect the cam! (_RAJ leaves)_

LEONARD: What makes you so sure she's going to her apartment?

HOWARD: I don't know, but I'm not taking any chances. (Closes laptop)

LEONARD: What does that mean?

HOWARD: It means I'm getting the hell out of here and running away. (Bolts out the door)

LEONARD: (To Sheldon) Sheldon, why didn't you put a stop to this?

SHELDON: Because once more Koothrappali and Wolowitz were successfully able to pull the wool over my completely disinterested eyes.

(_PENNY bursts in wearing a t-shirt and bikini bottom. She is furious.)_

PENNY: WHERE ARE THEY?

LEONARD: Take it easy! What's the matter?

PENNY: I'll tell you what's the matter! Your two so-called friends are nothing more than a pair of perverts who were spying on me sunbathing up on the roof!

LEONARD: Wait – what makes you so sure?

SHELDON: Yes, what makes you sure it wasn't just an ordinary dragonfly buzzing around overhead?

PENNY: How'd you know about the dragonfly, Sheldon?

SHELDON (Pauses) Oops. (_Turns to LEONARD) _Guess I should have thought that one through a bit more carefully, shouldn't I?

LEONARD: (To PENNY) Well, wait a second. What makes you so sure it was Raj or Howard behind, well, whatever?

PENNY: (Furious) Because most dragonflies aren't a foot long and day-glow yellow; and they also don't hover directly over you for twenty minutes while you're topless!

SHELDON: (To LEONARD) I thought they said it was only for five minutes? (_PENNY glares at him._) Oops. I did it again, didn't I?

PENNY: (Disbelief) Really? I cannot believe this. All of you are just disgusting.

LEONARD: Well, hold on. What makes you so sure Raj and Howard were behind whatever – you know – uh, happened?

PENNY: (Glares at him) Who else would it be?

SHELDON: Well, wait a moment! Koothrappali and Wolowitz aren't even here!

LEONARD: Yeah! He's right! I mean, you can check the entire apartment if you want!

PENNY: (Smirks) Oh, really? Then whose helmet is that by the door?

(_Cut to: Howard's helmet by the door.)_

LEONARD: Oops.

_(PENNY storms over to stand in front of HOWARD's helmet. Slowly, the door opens just enough and we see HOWARD's hand reaching for it. PENNY grabs him and pulls him into the apartment.)_

PENNY: Caught you, you dirty son of a bitch!

HOWARD: (Tumbling into the room. PENNY slams door behind him and moves to the side.) Wait a second! Caught me for what?! I just came back to get my helmet that I forgot!

PENNY: Yeah, right. You and your Indian boyfriend were spying on me with your little camera device disguised as a dragonfly!

HOWARD: (Defensive) I don't know what you're talking about! I don't know anything about any dragonfly devices!

(_The door flies open. RAJ enters but does not see PENNY since she is standing off to the side. He is holding a one-foot long yellow metallic insect.)_

RAJ: I got it! It's all fine! And Penny was nowhere in sight! (Stops. Everyone glares at him.) She's standing right behind me, isn't she? (_Everyone nods. He slowly turns and sees her glaring at him and turns back to the guys). _Okay, now it is stalking!

5


	2. Chapter 2

_The Oops Differential Act I J. Franklin  
_

**THE OOPS DIFFERENTIAL**

**ACT I**

_(SCENE: The university cafeteria. HOWARD, SHELDON, LEONARD, and RAJ are seated at their usual table.)_

HOWARD: As I was saying, the plan was working! I don't know how she discovered it.

LEONARD: I don't know. Maybe the fact that most dragonflies aren't a foot long and day-glow yellow had something to do with it?

HOWARD: It was a prototype! We were going to miniaturize it after the beta testing. She didn't have to react so violently.

SHELDON: I disagree. I thought Penny handled the situation quite well overall.

RAJ: Quite well? She destroyed the prototype!

SHELDON: Yes, but she did it with Leonard's Klingon bat'leth. (Pauses) I never knew a woman could wield a sword she'd never held before with such precision. (_Looks at LEONARD)_ You're a lucky man.

HOWARD: Yeah, well now with the prototype destroyed, we have nothing to enter in the competition next month. My boss is gonna kill me.

LEONARD: Can't you just build another prototype?

HOWARD: Not in three weeks. The molds take a few days to set, and the electronics took over a month to wire and test. I'd need another six weeks at least.

(_BARRY KRIPKE enters.)_

BARRY: So, ah, Wol-o-witz? I hea-urd you wost your pwototype dwagonfwy to – am I getting this wight? - a Kwingon?

HOWARD: (Downcast) No, that's only partly correct. I mean, no, it's not!

BARRY: I gotta be hon-est. I've hea-urd of wosing things in the waboratowy, but I've never hea-urd of wosing them to a bwond chick on a wooftop and then twying to pin it on a fictional char-wak-tuh!

LEONARD: C'mon, Kripke. Enough already. I thought we all buwied – I mean, buried the hatchet!

SHELDON: Yes! And we were friends for almost an entire week a while back, as I recall!

BARRY: Act-shoo-wawee, I came by to say you're in wuck. The competition's been postpowend. They awe having it in six weeks instead of fowah.

SHELDON: Well, that's quite a change! Was there a reason?

BARRY: I'm not suwah. I think one of the judges got a girlfwend and took off for the Ca-wibbean.

LEONARD: Doesn't he have a colleague who can replace him?

BARRY: No, that was the girlfwend.

SHELDON: (Puzzled) I see, but I still don't understand why sudden coitus means you give up a promising science competition!

RAJ: (Amazed) And yet you got a girlfriend before I did.

BARRY: Anyway, the diwecta wants us to sha-wuh twavel funds for the twip, so wooks wike we awuh going to be woomies. So, I came by to sway if you want to caw-ull a tempo-wawy twuce to our wegular wival-wee, that's fine. (Looks at HOWARD) Good wuck, Wowowitz! (_Leaves_)

SHELDON: (To HOWARD) Well, that sounds like good fortune! Now you can enter the competition.

HOWARD: (Unsure) Yeah. I mean, I guess. It'll still be tough to do it all in six weeks –

(_KRIPKE returns)_

BARRY: Oh, by the way, Wowowitz? I just wanted to add that the twuce does not apply to the competition. So you bettah bring yo-wah A game if you want a shot at winning that pwize because I'm going to be awe ovah it! (_Leaves_)

RAJ: (To HOWARD) So, what do you say now?

HOWARD: (Seething) Oh, it is so on!

_(Cut to: KRIPKE walking down hallway. Another individual, FELIX RICHARDS, starts to walk past him and stops.)_

FELIX: Hey, Kripke.

KRIPKE: Hey, Fewix.

FELIX: Did you get the word out?

KRIPKE: Yes, I tow'd everywone, so everywone knows now.

FELIX: How about you? Got your project ready for the competition?

KRIPKE: Wobot competition is in my bwood. I'm going to be weady to go and we should be a shoo-in for the pwize.

FELIX: (Nodding) Good. But what about your friends on the Geek Squad?

KRIPKE: Not to wowwy. I have a special pwan for them that I've aweady put into motion.

FELIX: Really? Do tell!

KRIPKE: (Looks around) Walk with me. (_Puts hand on FELIX's shoulder and they walk off camera)_

_(Fade out. Fade into: The inside of the guys' apartment. HOWARD is assembling his new dragonfly device. Several tools are evident on the table. LEONARD is in the background while SHELDON is in the kitchen.)_

LEONARD: So, you think you'll have it ready by the time of the competition?

HOWARD: (Smiling) Yes, indeed. I've even taken advantage of this opportunity to boost the camera resolution and battery life, so Howie Junior should function even better than normal!

LEONARD: Howie Junior?

HOWARD: (Turns to him) Yes, I had to give him a name. Don't you like it?

LEONARD: What's Koothrappali going to think?

HOWARD: Well, if he doesn't like it, he can name the next one after your girlfriend destroys this one.

_(A knock at the door. LEONARD answers it. PENNY enters it wearing her Cheesecake Factory uniform.)_

PENNY: Oh, hey Leonard. My car's dead again. Can you give me a ride to the Cheesecake Factory? I'm going to be late.

LEONARD: Again? Okay, let me get my coat.

SHELDON: Problems with your engine again, I assume? You know, I don't know how many times I have to say this before you start listening to me. If a 'check engine' light comes on, it usually means there's a problem that requires servicing. (Pauses) If the Death Star's designers had heeded this advice, the Empire might have won.

PENNY: (Tired) It wasn't the engine light, Sheldon.

SHELDON: Really?

PENNY: No, it was just the battery.

SHELDON: Doesn't your car have a battery indicator light?

PENNY: No, that burned out when I bought the car.

HOWARD: (Turns) Can't Leonard just give you a jump? (Pauses) I mean, he jumps on you all the time anyway.

PENNY: No, that's okay. Thanks. (Looks more closely at what he is doing.) Now, I assume that that is the replacement device that I am never going to see hovering over me while I'm sunbathing again, right?

HOWARD: (Wraps arms around device) Um, no. Not this time. This one is reserved for strictly scientific use.

PENNY: Good. I'm glad.

HOWARD: Besides, I found a local campground on Googlemaps that has an outdoor shower facility that has some pretty interesting viewing angles!

PENNY: (Shakes head) You're sick, Howard.

HOWARD: No, I'm no sick. I'm just frustrated. Bernadette's not coming back until next week

LEONARD: (Returns with coat) Okay, let's get going. I need to get back here and help Howard finish up his robot.

PENNY: You're helping him with this?

LEONARD: It's not just me. The competition's this weekend, so we're all helping. Raj and Sheldon, too!

PENNY: (To SHELDON) You're in on this too?

SHELDON: Of course. (Smirks) You didn't think Howard was going to win any prizes by himself, did you?

LEONARD: And besides, Zachary Quinto is supposed to be there.

PENNY: Who's Zach Quinto? (Thinks) Oh, wait! Is he the new Mr. Spock guy? (_LEONARD and HOWARD groan_.)

SHELDON: Excuse me?! Zachary Quinto is most certainly NOT Mr. Spock. That role is reserved for the one and only Leonard Nimoy. (Pauses) Although given that Leonard Nimoy is now in his 80s, it probably does make sense for the torch to be passed to a new actor to play the character. Vulcans may live to be 200 years old; not so us humans.

LEONARD: (To PENNY) Anyway, he'll be there for the science competition and is supposed to award first prize.

PENNY: (Pondering) I'm not sure which is more geeky here. The fact that there's actually a robot contest or the fact that some guy from Star Wars – (_All groan)- _sorry! Star TREK is going to be awarding prizes.

LEONARD: What can I say? Science fiction has a way of uniting people. (Pauses) Kripke is even coming with us and entering the competition as well.

PENNY: Isn't he the guy you guys can't stand?

SHELDON: Well, yes; but in this instance, we're putting our differences aside for the sake of genuine competition. (Pauses) Well, that and the department budget won't permit us to stay in separate rooms.

PENNY: (To LEONARD) Okay, can we ah, go now? I'm going to be late!

LEONARD: Sure. (They exit)

SHELDON: (Watching them leave) You know, I'm beginning to think I've been pursuing my Nobel Prize all wrong.

HOWARD: Why?

SHELDON: Perhaps the mysteries of the universe cannot be solved until we first resolve the ones here on Earth. (Pauses) And how those two are able to get along besides the coitus just baffles me.

(_Fade out. Fade in: Inside an SUV. SHELDON is driving. LEONARD is next to him with RAJ and HOWARD in the back seat. All are wearing suits and ties except SHELDON, who is wearing a blue Star Trek uniform shirt. RAJ is reading a yellow piece of paper.)_

LEONARD: So, how much further is it?

SHELDON: I'm not sure. According to my GPS and Kripke's instructions, we should be less than a mile from our destination; but the rental GPS says it's approximately (looks at dashboard) 1.2 miles. So obviously there's a discrepancy that we'll need to take into account for our timing –

LEONARD: Just keep your eyes on the road. We don't need another speeding ticket.

HOWARD: Yes, especially in this part of the state. (Looks out the window) This looks like the kind of place where the word "clan" doesn't exactly refer to people of Scottish ancestry. (RAJ laughs.)

SHELDON: Why does he keep doing that?

HOWARD: He can't get over the fact that the officer who gave you the ticket was named Elmer J. Rudd.

RAJ: It was just like the cartoon character. I kept waiting for him to go (Elmer Fudd voice) "I'm hunting wabbits! Hahahahaaaaaa!"

LEONARD: (To SHELDON) And did you have to get into an argument with the cop about your shirt?

SHELDON: (Frowning) I wasn't arguing with him. I was merely trying to educate him in the distinctions of Star Fleet attire. This is a science officer's shirt, not an engineer's or ensign's shirt. It's not my fault that some people don't appreciate good science fiction characters.

LEONARD: (Rolling eyes) Why did you even wear that?

SHELDON: (Pauses) I wanted to try and get off on the right foot with Zachary Quinto. I may have said a lot of bad things about him in the past, and I wanted to try and put them behind us.

LEONARD: How would he know you've said negative things about him?

SHELDON: (Pauses) I may have posted some of them on his Facebook page.

LEONARD: Is that why he sent you the restraining order?

SHELDON: (Sheepish) Maybe. But that was only for 180 days, so he should be over it by now.

LEONARD: Okay, whatever. (Looking outside.) Hey, I think that's the place! (_They all crane their necks.) _

SHELDON: Oh, goody. We're here!

HOWARD: (Unsure) Um, Sheldon. Are you sure this is the place?

RAJ: Yes, it doesn't look like an upscale restaurant that would host pre-event dinners for suit-and-tie scientists.

SHELDON: Now, now. My mother always said, "Shelly, don't go judging books by their covers!" We may just need to adjust our expectations a bit.

HOWARD: Yeah, but the row of Harley Davidsons out in front makes me think we may get some adjustments if we go in there.

SHELDON: (Parking vehicle. Checks GPS.) Nope. This is the place. I have it right here on Kripke's instructions.

LEONARD: Sheldon, are you sure we can trust Kripke on this one? This seems like anything but the kind of place we should –

SHELDON: Nonsense! Now, let's just go inside and have a nice time! (Exits)

HOWARD: Why do I have the feeling whatever is in there isn't going to likes four nerdy scientists coming into their bar?

LEONARD: I'm more worried about what they're going to think of a Mr. Spock wannabe entering their bar.

RAJ: Yes. I think Sheldon should definitely have worn something else tonight.

HOWARD: Yeah. A red Star Trek shirt instead of a blue one. (Pauses) Okay, let's go.

_(Cut to: The interior of a biker bar. The camera slowly pans past several large, heavily tattooed Hell's Angels who are crowded around pool tables and drinking beer. An old-fashioned jukebox in the back is playing "Flirtin' with Disaster." The camera sweep pauses in the doorway. The guys all enter and stop.)_

SHELDON: Oops.

HOWARD: Yeah, I don't this book had a mislabeled cover.

_(Cut to: The bikers all look at the guys. Cut to commercial)_

8


	3. Chapter 3

_The Oops Differential Act II J. Franklin  
_

**THE OOPS DIFFERENTIAL**

**ACT I**

_(SCENE: The interior of a biker bar. SHELDON, LEONARD, RAJ, and HOWARD are standing in the doorway. All are dressed in jackets and ties except for SHELDON, who is wearing a blue Star Trek shirt.)_

RAJ: Do you think Kripke made a mistake with the address?

LEONARD: No, I've got a feeling this was intentional. We should get out of here.

SHELDON: Now, now! The common man is no different from the rest of us! We are here, so the obvious way to get back at Kripke would be to have some drinks and enjoy ourselves. That way, we rob him of whatever satisfaction he hoped his nefarious plan would engender.

LEONARD: Yes, but our chances of getting out of here alive will probably improve if you stop using words like, "nefarious."

HOWARD: And I'm not so sure about "engender," either.

SHELDON: Nonsense. We had plenty of biker bars when I lived in Texas, and I never had a problem with any of them.

HOWARD: How many did you visit?

SHELDON: Well, none, but that's beside the point. (Pauses) But this gives us a chance to right a wrong! An opportunity to redress some past injustices for being so judgmental of our fellow man. Let's at least have a seat and show these people we're one of them! (Moves toward a nearby table.)

HOWARD: Why do I have the feeling we're going to be describing this scene in the ER later tonight?

LEONARD: I wouldn't worry about it.

HOWARD: Why not?

LEONARD: Because tonight we're going to the morgue, not the ER. (The group moves and sits down with SHELDON. Several bikers and a couple of tattooed waitresses move past.)

LEONARD: Sheldon, I really don't think this is a good idea.

SHELDON: Why not? We're not bothering anyone. We're simply here to have a drink and enjoy ourselves.

HOWARD: Yes, but we're obviously strangers here. These folks are all probably regulars. That means we're probably not exactly welcome, and certainly not dressed the way we are.

SHELDON: What's wrong with the way we're dressed?

RAJ: Well, Howard thought your shirt wasn't the proper color back in the car. (HOWARD kicks him.) Ow!

SHELDON: And what's wrong with my shirt?

HOWARD: Nothing. Let's just forget about it. (More bikers move past.) Can we just forget about it and get out of here? You know, while all of our body parts still bend the way they were intended?

SHELDON: Not until I've had my drink and done my part to show these people I can be one of them. (He flags a passing waitress. Her hair is disheveled and she has several tattoos on both forearms.) Excuse me, miss?

WAITRESS: Yeah? What do you want?

SHELDON: (Pauses) Well, what I want first is a proper introduction! What is your name?

WAITRESS: (Can't believe what she's hearing) Mary!

SHELDON: Oh. How nice! As in the mother of Jesus!

MARY: No, as in Bloody Mary. My mom gave it to me after I cut her with a broken beer bottle once. (Looks at group.) You guys want a drink?

SHELDON: Yes. I'll have a white wine spritzer, please. (LEONARD and HOWARD groan and put their heads down.)

MARY: A what?

SHELDON: A white wine spritzer, please. Heavy on the spritz, lighter on the ritz.

MARY: (Pauses) I'll see what we got. (_Looks to LEONARD, HOWARD, and RAJ.) _What do you fellas want?

LEONARD: (Trying to be helpful.) Um, we'll all just have a beer. Whatever you've got.

RAJ: Excuse me? I don't like beer. I'd rather have a green grasshopper! (HOWARD kicks him again under the table.) Ow!

HOWARD: (Aside) You'll get one when we get back to the hotel.

LEONARD: (Aside) You mean IF we get back to the hotel. (_Turns back to MARY)_ He'll have what we're having. Thanks.

MARY: No problem. (Moves off)

SHELDON: There! See? We're paying customers just like the rest of the people in this establishment.

HOWARD: Great. They can put that on our tombstones. (Sighs) Sheldon, can we please just get out of here?

SHELDON: Well, not now! We haven't even had our drinks first!

(_HOWARD starts to respond but stops. All look up at the end of the table where a large biker is standing there looking at them. He has a braided ponytail and beard, leather jacket, and jeans.)_

LEONARD: Um, can we help you?

THOR: You guys ain't from around here, are you?

RAJ: No, we're from the university –

HOWARD: (Cutting him off) Out of town! We're from out of town!

THOR: (Sarcastically deadpans) Really? You don't say!

LEONARD: Yeah. We just, uh, stopped in for, y'know, a drink. It's been a long drive and all, so we thought we'd come by for a couple of beers!

SHELDON: And a white wine spritzer! (LEONARD kicks him under the table.) Ow!

BIKER: (Looks the entire group over.) Name's Thor. Any of you guys ride bikes?

RAJ: (Pointing to HOWARD) He rides a Honda scooter! (_HOWARD grimaces and kicks him again_) Ow! What's with all the kicking?

THOR: (Smiling) Whoa. A scooter? (Snorts) That's pretty hard core!

HOWARD: Thanks. My mother actually bought it for me – (LEONARD kicks him under the table.) Ow!

THOR: (Looks around) Listen, guys? I'm gonna be honest with you. I got no problem with people from out of town. But ah, watch yourself here, okay? This place ain't known for its hospitality when it comes to outsiders.

HOWARD: (Speaking quickly) Thank-you-very-much-we-were-just-going-to-be-leavi ng-in-a-few-minutes-anyway (_Starts to get up. LEONARD pushes him back down.) _

THOR: No, seriously, guys. Just be careful, okay? This place can be kinda rough. (Moves off.)

HOWARD: Spoken just like Ben Kenobi to Luke Skywalker when they went to the cantina at Mos Eisley!

LEONARD: Yeah, right before Luke got his lights punched out and some guy got his arm cut off.

SHELDON: Please! I fail to see why you are all insisting on looking on the darker side of things here. No one has bothered us, we're just going to have some drinks and be on our way. Everything is fine!

(_A switchblade lands on the table and imbeds itself in the wood. Another biker appears.)_

BIKER: Sorry 'bout that. I was aiming for the table next to you. (Pulls switchblade out of table and moves off.)

SHELDON: Then again, perhaps discretion would be the better part of valor. (Starts to rise when MARY arrives.)

MARY: Here you go! Three beers and one wine thingy. (Places wine cooler bottle in front of SHELDON.)

SHELDON: They still make Bartles and Jaymes?

MARY: (Smiles) Yeah. Found it way in the back. It should be even stronger now after all those years next to the furnace!

SHELDON: Thank you. (Reaches into his wallet.) Do you take travelers' checks? (_Looks at checks_) Oh, dear. I forgot the only denominations that they had were in hundreds. Can you make change?

MARY: No. Cash only, Mr. Moneybags.

SHELDON: Oh, I'm sorry. (Stands up and says loudly) Does anyone in here have change for a hundred? (_LEONARD, RAJ, and HOWARD all grab him_.)

LEONARD: Um, give us a minute, okay?

MARY: Okay. (Move off.)

HOWARD: (Hissing) What are you trying to do? Get us killed?

SHELDON: No! I was merely asking if anyone could help us out. (He stops as another large biker appears.)

BIKER: You lookin' for money?

SHELDON: Yes. I need to break a travelers' check. Do you have some cash on hand, by any chance?

BIKER: (Grins) Sure. Lemme see your check.

LEONARD: Sheldon, I don't think this is a good idea –

SHELDON: Please! This gentleman is trying to be helpful. (Gives check to BIKER.)

BIKER: (Takes check and pockets it) Thanks.

SHELDON: (Waits) Yes?

BIKER: What?

SHELDON: My change, please.

BIKER: (Looks SHELDON up and down) You got a problem, Shelly?

SHELDON: (Quizzical) How did you know my name? Are you from east Texas, too?

LEONARD: (To SHELDON) He doesn't know your name, Sheldon. He's calling you a girl's name!

SHELDON: Oh. Well, that's not very polite. (Turns back to BIKER) Are you trying to initiate some kind of confrontation, sir?

BIKER: What did you say?

LEONARD: He didn't say anything! We were just leaving!

SHELDON: Now, now. This mesomorph can't be permitted to just push people around –

LEONARD: Yes, he can. Sheldon, let's go.

SHELDON: No, we can solve this rationally. (To BIKER) Sir, if you don't hand over my change, I shall be forced to call the manager!

BIKER: You want the manager? No problem. (Turns) Hey, Richie! (_A larger BIKER appears.) _This is my brother Richie. (Pauses) He's the manager.

RICHIE: (To SHELDON) Pleased to meet ya.

BIKER: Fella here says he wants to talk to the manager.

SHELDON: (Hesitant) Yes. I most certainly would.

RICHIE: You got a problem?

SHELDON: Well, yes. This gentleman took my travelers' check without giving me my change.

RICHIE: You don't say? (Looks at BIKER) Is that true?

BIKER: Yep.

RICHIE: I better call the owner. Hey, Mikey! (No one responds)

SHELDON: Perhaps he didn't hear you.

RICHIE: Oh, he heard me.

BIKER: I'm Mikey.

SHELDON: (Gulps) Oh. Well, I guess that does change the equation significantly then –

MIKEY: You boys got a problem?

SHELDON: Actually, no, now that I think about it, I don't think I do.

RICHIE: Good. I'd hate to see something get messy all over that Star Wars shirt you're wearin'!

SHELDON: (Eyes widen) Excuse me?!

LEONARD: (Quietly) Oh, no. Here we go.

_(Cut to: The interior of the SUV. HOWARD, RAJ, SHELDON, and LEONARD enter in a panic and begin frantically buckling their seatbelts. SHELDON guns the engine.) _

RAJ: (To SHELDON) You were right! Bikers aren't bad people! Just very violent ones!

HOWARD: At least Thor was able to buy us some time to get away

LEONARD: Yeah, right before Mikey and Richie cut him down with a pool cue! Now we've got a full barfight going back there. Go, Sheldon! (SHELDON swings steering wheel. We hear screeching of tires. He stops.)

RAJ: What are you doing? Let's go!

SHELDON: (Angry) Not so fast.

LEONARD: (Disbelieving) What? What are you doing?

SHELDON: Taking revenge on behalf of every Star Fleet academy graduate who's ever been bullied. (Guns engine again.)

LEONARD: Oh, no! You're not going to – (All bounce violently around as SUV surges forward. Large crashing sounds are heard.)

HOWARD: (Blinking) You – you –just- you just ran over all their motorbikes!

SHELDON: (Smiling) Yes, I did. And that's for anyone who's ever been intimidated by some oversized Neanderthal.

LEONARD: (Looking out window) Well, that's good. That's fine. But we really need to get out of here now!

SHELDON: (Smiling) No problem. (_Turns key. We hear engine sputter. He tries a second time. Then a third. The engine refuses to turn over_.) Uh-oh.

LEONARD: What?!

SHELDON: It appears Kripke's rental may have been damaged. _(He continues trying to start SUV.)_

LEONARD: What?!

HOWARD: (Looks out window) Here they come! They're coming out of the bar!

RAJ: Yes! All of them! We need to go!

LEONARD: Sheldon, do something!

SHELDON: I know exactly what to do. Sheldon Cooper always has an escape plan.

LEONARD: What is it?

SHELDON: Run! (He opens door and jumps out. RAJ, HOWARD, and LEONARD follow)

(Fade out. Fade in: A local police department. SHELDON, HOWARD, RAJ, and HOWARD are handcuffed to a metal bench in front of a policeman's desk. An officer is completing an arrest report.)

SHELDON: (To group) Actually, we should probably be thankful for being arrested. If the police hadn't intervened, who knows what might have happened?

LEONARD: (Looking up at ceiling) I know what wouldn't have happened if we'd simply left like all of us suggested!

OFFICER: (Reading) So, just to make sure I have this all straight. You guys went into the Devil's Canyon bar because you thought it was hosting some sort of science convention dinner?

SHELDON: (To OFFICER) Yes. That's right. We didn't know it was a biker hangout.

OFFICER: Really? (Pauses) And the name 'Devil's Canyon' didn't give you a clue?

RAJ: No, but the motorcycles out front should have. (HOWARD nudges him)

SHELDON: I really don't see what the issue is, sir. We were the victims here.

OFFICER: Well, the "issue" is that we don't often see three guys in suits – and one in science fiction getup – running down the freeway being pursued by a couple dozen bikers. Add to that (Looks at report) a dozen motorcycles damaged outside a local drinking establishment, twenty thousand in estimated damages, and a torched SUV in the parking lot, and you do have what we in the police force refer to as an "issue." (_Looks around) _Tom, who brought these guys in?

TOM: (Off camera) They're Rudd's boys.

OFFICER: Oh, yeah. Officer Rudd. (Looks back) Hey, Elmer!

(_Officer RUDD appears.)_

ELMER: Yes, Weggie.

OFFICER: You're sure everything in this report's been verified?

ELMER: That's cowwect. (RAJ begins to laugh. HOWARD nudges him again. ELMER looks at him.) Something wong?

LEONARD: Ah, no. Nothing at all. In fact, we were just about to post bond and go.

SHELDON: Bond? Where are we going to get that kind of money? I couldn't even cash my check at the bar!

LEONARD: (Quickly) I called Penny, and Howard called his mother. They're wiring the money now so we can get out of here.

SHELDON: Penny has money? I wasn't aware the Cheesecake Factory began paying its employees sufficient amounts to cover things like bail for people –

LEONARD: They don't, but she called Bernadette. We're going to be fine. We just need to cooperate with the nice officers now! (Laughs uneasily)

RAJ: But how are we going to get back to the hotel?

LEONARD: Penny called Kripke. He and some of the other guys are coming to pick us up.

HOWARD: Good. Because I really have a few bones to pick with him after all this.

_(Off camera: Several loud voices are heard. "That's them!" and "Those are the guys!")_

HOWARD: (Looking off camera) Great. Now they're bringing in the bikers who were chasing us. How much do you want to bet we all get locked up in the same cell?

OFFICER: (Looking at report) Okay, guys. It doesn't sound as though you were responsible for anything that happened, so we're going to go ahead and release you when your friend gets here.

RAJ: Really? Not even the motorcycles that we ran over? (HOWARD elbows him again)

OFFICER: Excuse me?

HOWARD: He means we thought they were going to run us over with their motorcycles.

OFFICER: Okay. (His phone rings) Hold on a sec. (_Answers phone_) Your friend is here. (Turns to ELMER) You can unlock them.

SHELDON: Kripke!

_(BARRY KRIPKE enters)_

HOWARD: (Furious) Boy, do we have some things to discuss with you.

LEONARD: (To HOWARD) Save it. He's our ride back.

ELMER: (To OFFICER as he finished opening all handcuffs) Has they-ah bwond been posted yet?

OFFICER: (Checks computer) Yes, it just came through. They're free to go.

ELMER: (To KRIPKE) You-wa the fwend who is picking them up?

KRIPKE: That's wight.

ELMER: And you-wah name is?

KRIPKE: Bawwy Kwipke.

ELMER: (Frowns) Excuse me?

KRIPKE: Bawwy Kwipke. I'm hewah to pick up my fwends.

LEONARD: (Quietly) Oh, no. Here we go.

ELMER: (Angry) You twying to be funny or something?

KRIPKE: No, I just want to get my fwends out of hewah. What's the pwoblem?

ELMER: Okay, that's it. You-wah undah awwest.

KRIPKE: What? What fowah?

ELMER: (Moves toward him with handcuffs) Twun awound.

KRIPKE: What? (ELMER begins cuffing him) I want to talk to my wawyah.

_(Off camera: A crashing sound erupts. Several bikers' voices are heard.) _

LEONARD: Uh-oh. Looks like some of those guys aren't going quietly. (More crashing sounds)

OFFICER: Hey! You guys settle down over there! (More shouting) Hey, I said settle down! (_Stands up and heads off camera. ELMER follows dragging KRIPKE. A chair lands on the desk next to the guys. We hear the sound of glass breaking off camera._)

HOWARD: I'm not sure, but I believe this is our signal to leave while we can. (More crashing. Sounds of fighting.)

LEONARD: Yes, I agree.

HOWARD: If we hurry, we can be back across the county line by midnight.

RAJ: Never mind the geography lesson! Let's just go! Go!

_(Cut to commercial)_

11


	4. Chapter 4

_The Oops Differential Act II J. Franklin  
_

**THE OOPS DIFFERENTIAL**

**EPILOGUE**

_(SCENE: The interior of a PENNY's car. LEONARD is sitting in the passenger seat as she drives. She is clearly angry.)_

PENNY: So, it's not bad enough that my boyfriend has buddies who want to see me naked and who use scientific toys to spy on me. But my boyfriend also has to go to a (Makes quotation marks with fingers) "conference" –

LEONARD: You know I really hate when you take your hands off the wheel like that –

PENNY: Shut up. A (Makes quotation marks again, more deliberately this time) "conference" that instead turns out to be some kind of biker bar where he and his buddies start a fight with every Hell's Angel there –

LEONARD: It wasn't with every one there. It was only two of them –

PENNY: (Cutting him off) And as if that wasn't bad enough, he then has to go down to the police station where he calls me to bail him out! But before I can do that he and his buddies start ANOTHER fight with the bikers and police. Did I miss anything?

LEONARD: (Quietly) Well, technically there was the part where Sheldon ran over the motorcycles –

PENNY: (Throws up hands) Enough! Leonard, do you know why I started dating you?

LEONARD: (Pauses) Actually, it's been one of the questions the guys and I have been asking since we met –

PENNY: Because I thought you were different! My dad's always saying, "Oh, stick with Leonard! He's a good guy! He'll never get into trouble like your old boyfriends!" And now you've not only proven him wrong, you're going to break his heart when I tell him you're just like all the other guys I used to date!

LEONARD: Your other guys used to get into fights with bikers at science conventions? (PENNY glares at him) Well, hold on a second. I mean, it's not like you have to tell him.

PENNY: Yes, I did! How do you think I got the money to bail you out of jail?

LEONARD: (Surprised) You called your dad to help bail me out of jail?

PENNY: (Quiet) Yeah. Yeah, I did.

LEONARD: (Thinks) Wow. You do love me!

PENNY: (Frustrated) Leonard…

LEONARD: Well, hold on. I don't think you're looking at this the right way. I mean, Raj and Howard missed the contest, Howard's boss wants him to pay for the prototype you destroyed, Sheldon has to go back for the trial in a few months, and I now have an arrest record that's going to be on my file for the next seven years.

PENNY: So, what are you saying?

LEONARD: (Thinks) Well, for starters, getting more grant money for future research is now going to be a lot more difficult…

PENNY: Leonard. Does it even occur to you that you and the other guys could have been killed?

LEONARD: Actually, it was pretty much all we thought about while we were there.

PENNY: And did you ever stop to think what that would mean to me if something happened to you?

LEONARD: (Pauses) Actually, we were really just more focused on self-preservation –

PENNY: Leonard! (Looks at him) I love you, okay? It took me a long time to get comfortable admitting it and saying it out loud, but I do, okay? I love you, and I don't want to have to worry about you every time you go out of town for some convention.

LEONARD: (Ashamed) Okay. You're right. I'm sorry.

PENNY: Sorry for what?

LEONARD: I don't know. You just usually stop being mad at me when I say that.

PENNY: (Sighs) Well, okay – (Looks in rear view mirror) oh, damn.

LEONARD: What? (Flashing lights appear behind them)

PENNY: I'm getting pulled over.

LEONARD: Were we speeding?

PENNY: No, but I forgot to replace my license and inspection tags. (She pulls car over to side of road. We see an officer approaching the car. PENNY checks him in her rear view.) Oh, good.

LEONARD: What?

PENNY: I know this guy.

LEONARD: You do?!

PENNY: Yeah, he's the guy who pulled me over last year when my tags expired. I think I know how I can get out of this one.

LEONARD: It doesn't involve anything improper, does it?

PENNY: No. (Rolls down window) Hi, Officer Rudd!

OFFICER: Hewo, Penny.

PENNY: What seems to be the pwoblem?

OFFICER: You-wah tags are expwi-ahd again.

PENNY: Oh, my gosh! I must have fogwotten agwain!

LEONARD: Um, Penny –

PENNY: (To LEONARD) Ssh!

OFFICER: Do you have the tags with you this yea-wah?

PENNY: No, I weft them at home agwain.

LEONARD: (Breaking in) Excuse me, what is your name, officer?

OFFICER: Wobert Wudd. Why?

LEONARD: Um, do you by any chance have a brother in – (PENNY elbows him) Ow!

OFFICER: Yes. My bwother is awso a powiceman. Do you know him?

PENNY: No, he doesn't. He was just askwing a cwazy kwestion. Wehwent you, sweetie?

LEONARD: What? Oh, yes. Yes, I was!

PENNY: (To OFFICER) I pwomise as soon as I get ho-wum I wiww put the twags on my cawah!

OFFICER: Okay, but just this twime, okay? I can't kweep wetting you off the hook this way.

PENNY: I understwand. Thank you, office-ah. (OFFICER leaves)

PENNY: (To LEONARD) See? That's how you talk to an officer without getting into a fight!

_(END)_

4


End file.
